Eating Disorders

As a kid I was a chubby kid.  I realize from my younger daughter I would have grown up and skinnier but I got a complex before that happened.  Now I tell my daughter she is like a Great Dane puppy.  She has size 8 adult shoe and is in the 4th grade.  Once she grows in her feet her body will stretch out.

My years growing up I had a mom who tried every diet and was (still isn't) never happy with her body.  As I entered the middle school age, an uncle close in age to me had nicknamed me chubs.  When he went to college I was DETERMINED not to let him call me that anymore.  I began to eat only a salad after school and I prided myself in using only on 20 punch lunch card throughout the entire year.  I was able to skip supper because my mom had seen me eat my earlier supper - the salad.  I most definitely was anorexic then and still didn't earn the honor of my uncle who was like a brother because he greeted me with Chubs when he returned the next summer even though I was without any body fat and not healthy.

Fortunately I had a high school coach who got me out of the cycle because she told me I could be good if I put some weight on.  I did - and became somewhat normal throughout high school.  I never saw myself as thin, but athletic - I was very critical about my looks.  So it was a huge surprise to me when my school voted me Homecoming Queen my Senior year.  Ironically, my influential uncle was the King the year he graduated.

Being an overachiever, as very common with someone with an eating disorder, I began college two days after graduating.  Once again I had been challenged by my guidance counselor.  I was in love and want to hurry through college so that I could get on with my life.  I was on a path to get my BA degree in 3 years - my counselor said it was impossible.  I set out to prove her wrong.

To make this possible I lived with my brother who was going to be a senior at the same university.  However, he was married and I came to find out I was very jealous of her in a weird way as I always wanted a better relationship with my brother.  This arrangement led to a job at a pizza place and the fear of adding too much weight made the eating disorder rear its ugly head.  At first I only got rid of the pizza I ate.  Over the next 2 years it increased to a point where I wouldn't keep anything I ate.  I knew where every bathroom was on campus.  I knew I had a problem.  I sat in on an eating disorder support group and began to attend regularly. It was members of the group remembering a former member of the group who had gone to treatment and died one month after treatment due to a heart attack - her electrolytes were messed up.  This was my wake up call.  I met with the leader of the group and we made a call to my parents who helped me to arrange a month over Christmas in 1987 to attend treatment.  I didn't think I was as bad as some of those girls - I was only purging 5-7 times a day - I didn't think anything of it. I was sick.  At that time I weighed 156 pounds and was very thin at that weight.

I learned that food will always be my enemy. Dieting and restricting food is very dangerous for a person like myself.  I have struggled internally as my weight reached new highs year after year.  I have been on every diet out there and always came back to Weight Watchers which worked with the earliest weight gain and I became a lifetime member at that time.

With over 100 pounds to lose to get back to the weight I was when I entered the hospital all the diets out there took too long and my willpower would wilt.  I have decided if I can get 60 of the 100 off at this point, I can come to accept myself there.

hCG has given me the willpower that I do not have on my own.  In treatment we learned to follow the 12 steps of Overeaters Anonymous (OA).  Instead of alcohol, the substance we learned to avoid and become powerless to was sugar and refined flour.  Is this not the principal this protocol is based on?  Detoxifying my body seems to be the right thing to do.  It is why I feel this is the answer to my many years of internal struggle.

End of Week One

Is it the protocol or is it my mindset?  From reading all the other folks out there - obviously this is the protocol at work.  I have not felt hunger - cravings - desire for ice cream at night.  I have not felt deprived on the 500 Calories.  I have asked myself why could I not do this without the hCG?  It is science and after one week I am a believer.  I am down 6 pounds and a couple inches.... Wow.

I am enjoying healthy fresh food.  Right now I broke out the tea and am having a Wild Berry Herbal Tea over ice - very refreshing.

The best thing of the experience is the lessons it is teaching my family.  I was out of control and modeling eating habits that only would lead a to a life of obesity or anorexia.  My younger daughter, 9 years old, she was not concerned about her eating and loved me just the fluffy mom.  My older daughter, 12 years old, I had noticed her criticizing my clothing and different things about me - worse was the habits of skipping meals I had been noticing with her.  I know all to well the red flags of eating disorders.  I will address that in a separate entry.

Day 3: 500 Calories???

So today was the day I would follow the "VLCD" my kids were feeling sorry for me as they saw me cook up 1/3 of one half chicken breast. For the first time ever (and I have done the diet cycles) I got out the postage scale to measure my raw chicken breast.  Unbelievable how little that really equates to.  Wow - !!!

I managed to avoid real people food today by eating my 100 grams of chicken breast with onion before I went.  However, I had to breakdown and eat an apple prior to making my lunch - I think I was hungry.  Made a salad with strawberries and some chicken breast.  I did put some balsamic vinegar on it ( I think that is ok/on plan).... it was quite good and felt full half way through.

I did get hungry tonight and added some cherry tomatoes to my list as a late night snack - since I didn't have any Grissini or toast - I had the calories to spare.

Day 2

Gorge Day 2 ... plan on eating all my red flag foods.  I started with PopTarts. 

The morning shot went well - was afraid of the sting as I had not taken it cold yesterday.  No sting - just a cool sensation.

I was up one pound from the day before.  I found another blogger that I will share my blog with - maybe I will be brave enough to post my photo.  I don't have very many photos of myself because for about 8 years now I have avoided cameras at all costs.  I did let my daughter take a sports bar photo that I will release once I can proudly post an after photo.  Wanted to document the beginning - but not proud of it at this point.

The beginning

I started today. After researching all the papers I had and internet links I think I mixed my first batch of hCG correctly.  I am doing .50 cc of the 5000 hcg taking a break on Sundays to keep from being immune.  I mixed the hCG with 12.5 cc of the Biostat water.  I must admit I was very hesitant to give my first injection to my belly.  It was hard to even tell I had inserted the needle.  As gross as it may be to compare - popping the annoying in-grown hair that appears on my belly hurts 100x's more. So that part of this process will not be bad.

I ate pop-tarts for breakfast.  Chicken Nachos for lunch. Mac and Cheese for a snack.  Bowl of Chili for supper.  2 pudding cups (non-fat) for a snack. And Popcorn at the movie (with BUTTER).  I only had the soda at the movie which for me is VERY good.

The movie I saw was Eat, Pray, Love which I thought set the stage for my journey I am beginning.

Day 2 for gorging I hope to fit in pasta at some point.

I am ready for the loss - my mind is in the right place.

The wait....

I purchased my hCG from Escrow Pharmacy and am waiting and waiting  and waiting for it to come.  I have a colleague share with me this was how she lost so many inches since the last time I saw her.  That was July 10th.  I have been reading and reading and following a Yahoo group everyday trying to absorb all the information I can about this protocol before the product gets here.  Am I scared?  Yes.  I have decided to use the injections versus the under the tongue.  I want to mess with the hCG only once a day and the injection appears to be the way to go. 

It appears the hCG has left Hong Kong and is in Chicago.  I wanted to start it as soon as it came, however, I am traveling the next week and think it best to wait until I return. 

I will use this blog as my journal to document my journey on widdle my middle....